My husband works nights which means he either works a shift of MTW or TFS working every other Sunday and right now they are on mandatory overtime. Needless to say, these are my problems. Maybe someone else out there can relate to my list.
You have no kids, just dogs and the house always stays a mess when he is at work because you are depressed he isn’t home. The only reason why you do the dishes every night will be so he can visually see you have done something.
Atleast I'm honest...
Atleast I’m honest…

 

You aren’t sure who your best friend is anymore. Husband? Nope. Dog? Nope. IT’S WINE!!!!

 

I love wine and yes, that is a mason jar.
I love wine and yes, that is a mason jar.

 

You work out at the gym in the evening which causes guys to think you are single… and you don’t wear your wedding ring so when your fingers swell, it isn’t an issue. Paranoia 1– In the back of your head, you know this to be false but it’s a confidence boost. Secretly they are all taking bets on when you will quit.
Due to all the guys at the gym, you develop gym BF’s which you joke with your husband and best friends about.
I can't help it I'm sexy.
I can’t help it I’m sexy.

 

Your DVR fills up quickly on the nights he is off so you have all 25 different shows to watch when he is at work.
Me: Did you watch Lost Girl last night?
Them: No, do you mean New Girl?
Me: I mean Lost Girl. New Girl comes on Tuesday nights. It’s okay I get Being Human and Almost Human confused too since they both come on Monday Nights.
Them: I have no clue what you are talking about.
Me: Nevermind. (It isn’t worth the breath to explain.)
You have somehow become an introvert due to lack of social events since you don’t like to go anywhere without your husband. Me on the phone: Nope. Sorry, I can’t come tonight. Yea. He’s working…
You know your husband’s work schedule and have to constantly remind everyone when they ask because they always forget.

Them: Does he work tonight??

Me: Yes, he works this schedule until April 30th!!!

Your boss thinks it’s weird when you explain how you can’t dawdle after work because you need to hurry home and make his dinner.

Her: Why can’t he make his own dinner?

What I want to say:Because it’s the only 15 minutes of my day I will get to spend with him if I make it.

On the nights that the shows come on that you both love, you wait until he is off work so you can watch it with him.
True Love
True Love
On the nights you do go to have fun, you feel guilty about it since he is working.
I only lost a little... I promise.
I only lost a little… I promise.

 

On your husband’s days off, he spends his time cleaning up where you didn’t since you were depressed.
I know... I know... Shameful.
I know… I know… Shameful.

 

Paranoia #2: Every noise causes paranoia to set in since he isn’t around to keep the boogeyman away and the dog has proven useless.
It was a really loud boom.
It was a really loud boom.

 

Paranoia #3: When you turn the heat up in the winter or the air down in the summer, you get out of the hallway knowing any minute it will kick on and make that weird sucking noise.
Must exit the hallway in 5 seconds before creepy noise. In 5...4...3....2....Eek!
Must exit the hallway in 5 seconds before creepy noise. In 5…4…3….2….Eek!

 

You worry you have turned into your Grandmother, because there is no one to talk to so you talk to the dog.

Conversation with the dog: I told you that you aren’t going out right now. You will just sit outside and beg to come back in and I don’t want to hear it!!! She looks at me like I’ve lost it. I usually nod and agree.

The television is left on in your bedroom at night to act as a big night light since your husband isn’t around.
Your Mother worries since you like to make late night trips to Wal-Mart.

Mom: Why are you out so late by yourself?! 

Me: Mom, I needed a couple of things.

Mom: You need to be careful.

Me: I live 5 minutes away from the store and I learned this habit from you. What are you doing?

Mom: I’m at the gas station with your Father…

Me: Pot calling Kettle. This is Kettle speaking.

You tell yourself that his birthday, your birthday, anniversaries, and Valentine ’s Day aren’t that important if he has to work on them. (Secretly you cry inside, drink a whole bottle of wine, hug your dog, and look for other activities like the gym, or watch Dirty Dancing by yourself. This happens especially on Valentine’s day since couples will be out on the town and you want to avoid them. Taco Bell isn’t even safe!)
Sometimes you post about your very boring night on social media hoping a friend will either whine with you or want to drink wine with you… Neither ever happens… Damn.

I’m sure I will have more of these later on. Enjoy!

~Kalamity

Advertisements